"Its only Words....

...& words are all I have to take your heart away. "

What a lovely song this is.

Blessed are the people who can just as easily bring out the verbal verbose they feel within their hearts & empty the heart...but its equally unblessing/terrible for people who are eloquent, but get tongue tied or who actually cannot well put across what they feel at the times when its most needed. It's too constraining.

Then those words go down in the head, where nobody's listening..or it goes down in a diary albeit... paper or blog one.

Many a times when I've thought of it, the first impression is that, it is usually the problem of a person who is very unsure. But my psychological mind (:P) has probed the subject deeper & has learnt that, that is not the only reason. Apart from an inherent reservedness some people have, there can be various reasons for people to hold back on their words. Most of the common reasons are:

• When there is fear of rejection
• When there is uncertainty of the feeling of the thought wanting to be expressed
• When there is an ego at a definite unhealthy high place to go and approach someone
• When one really feels that what s/he may speak will anyways not make a difference
• When one has lost hopes/faith on the bearer of the subject
• When you are so hurt that words don't form proper fragments in the mind to come out
• When you don't want to make yourself vulnerable to open bruises
• When you don't want to break someone's heart as well as you can't lie either
• When you fear losing........this can be anything, fear of losing loved one, relation, hope, ...job. Anything
• When one thinks that his/her knowledge is too deep for the recipient to understand
• & most importantly, when you don't trust yourself anymore. I assume this to be the most painful of all the reasons

I'm sure you must be wondering, that all these points are only related to sadness/negativity etc. There's good reason. I do very much believe when one is happy & even if a word is not uttered, the happiness reflects itself on the face. It Sure does.
Factually, we humans live the fact of, "Laugh & the world laughs with you, Cry & you cry alone", We are forever protecting the other side, the emotionally scarred side, going on about with a made up face hoping that what you feel will somehow reach the other person.

It Doesn't.

Let me finish off by quoting an amazing quote here:
"Whenever you expect someone to understand what you feel, always remember that how can the person know what you were never able to express?
-Things left unsaid often remain unheard."

So, Go express! It may not be the safest way...but again, there is no other way.
Is there?

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Such an Irony!

We get broken by someone, promise ourselves never to look for leaning on anyone for support ever again and then go ahead looking for someone who would understand us in this & help us to get over the pain of the breaking down.

Subconsciously falling onto the same loop, again looking for a shoulder to lean on, depend on..& maybe eventually get close to.. & risk Everything we promised ourselves about not wanting to count on anyone ever again.

Ironical much?

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And so I flew..!

In my growing up years, I used to be the timid, inconfident and jittered types. Though being a tomboy at heart - I always wanted to break free of the mental/traditional boundaries around me to discover the person within.
But for some reason or the other - It never happened until I was out of college.

There was this deep longing to once set out - try my spirit, know where I stand on my own and have the literally on-my-own kind of feeling.

It started with my passion for travelling. In the beginning, it was just an interest - which while I was on my third trip, I knew - was my passion. It was a birthday gift I asked my parents few years back; the permission to solo travel. Ofcourse they weren't too convinced about me venturing alone, especially considering my dependent state at that time.. but my Dad supported me and I can never ever be enough thankful to him for that. Today when he's not there to listen to my stories, to see the person I've moulded by the experiences I've had, I miss him the way that cannot be expressed and I hope he's happy when he sees me from up above.

I started out with a small weekend trip and today, it does not matter the number of days I go on a trip, I know I can handle it.
The first time is always the exciting, nervous, difficult yet easy in the end. Its also the most memorable. The first solo train ride, flight ride, the first hotel check-in..everything which we never give a thought to when in a group, becomes a responsibility. Also it taught me a great lot about human psychology. The weird questions, the approving/unapproving comments all became my teachers in some way or the other.
This one step, apart from giving me a sense of self - gave me so many things that I hadn't even anticipated.
The confidence, the sense of belief, the sense of discipline, the responsibility of the self, the environment and the world we live in. The recognition of our place in this huge world, the ability to meet new people/cultures and learn from them or be thankful for my environment, depending on the place of visit, the feeling of empowerment and so many things more. There's just so much for which  I now express gratitude for.

Today, its been more than 5 years I've been travelling on my own and I recommend it to every person who asks me about it, especially females. Reason being, it reiterates the feeling of self-dependency and breaks a lot of mental shackles Indian females have been raised to believe in. 
I took the first step and it changed my life. Life's good! :)

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Housing Memories

Sometimes when you give up hope in a relation, even a small whiff of encouragement is all what it takes to get the faith back on track. And sometimes after giving your best, the best to do is house the memories in the safe core of your heart.

I'm a person of few relations and those few I set them in stone. Nothing at all can deter me from going all the way for someone I call my own, so when there is rough weather - I go ALL out to make sure things get back to smooth.

I was having major issues with a particular close friend. We had been only arguing and having communication gaps for more than 6 months. Unfortunately, since none of my closest friends live in the same city, it only gets worse to smooth out big issues easily.
So, when I happened to get a chance to visit this friend's city, there wasn't any doubt of thinking of anything else except for packing up and jumping on the chance.

As my luck had it, after I reached, I discovered the friend that day only had a few hours to spare before getting back to work, which apparently couldn't be avoided.
So even though I was super upset by that, I made my peace in those few hours and I had a memorable trip.
To date - while we still are in rough waters - I think of that effort of mine and make my peace that I DID give my best to iron out the differences.
For that last meeting, neither of us brought up the issues bothering us, nor did we let the complaints get in the way. Today I reflect on that day and in a way feel glad that we did not rake up unpleasantness.. but rather had enjoyed the time like the good 'ol days.
There's a lot to think here. Was I the only one who wanted to sort out differences, does distance really change people so much etc etc. But for the things that have happened and have been an important part of our life, I believe in keeping the sanctity of the emotions and feelings spent and rather keep the good  memories close.

In hindsight, that meeting seems like we parted on a memorable note. That is all I would like to hold onto to.

Truly life is unpredictable. But just because a relation breaks, we don’t have to look back bitterly on it. Till the moment you were in it, it was important and pleasant. I’d rather remember the pleasantness than the end result of it.

Sometimes some relations are Together... but not quite.

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Don't let a Bruise become a Wound

When one gets physically hurt, there is a bruise formed. If taken care of, it will heal and fill in a little time.
But when a bruise if left unattended and is rather treated carelessly, there are chances for it to become a wound.
Bruise does not leave a mark...but wounds leave scars.

Relations are just like that. If small nit-picks are taken care of, they solve quickly, rather than turning into a wound and leaving scars behind.

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Too much Glitz signifies Depth of faith?

I'm more than often told I have a different perspective on many things.
I'm Ok with that. As long as I'm honest to my own self and don't live in denial to what I observe and feel - I'm totally OK.. even if I'm on stand-alone.

Why did I mentioned that? Because I had couple of discussions last week and I thought - Really? Can people be So blind-faithed? Though I respect their points of views; I can never think like them.

Couple of weeks ago I visited Triambakeshwar and Shirdi. Two from the list of most revered pilgrimages of India.
Triambakeshwar is one of the 12 Jyotirlings dedicated to Lord Shiva. While most of the Shiva temples all around India, including these 12 most revered temples are comparatively modestly maintained; there is a serious problem with the running and maintenance of many other famous temples in India.. and maybe abroad too.

I remember visiting Shirdi some seven-eight years back. I clearly remember how the temple complex was then and also how the main sanctum hall looked.
It was basic, modest and just fine for how a temple should be. Only Baba's accessories and samadhi were ornated with gold, which is a given in any temple.
This time when I visited, I could'nt help but notice and appreciate how much more organised the temple structure was and how easy it was to access locker rooms to mobile lockers to prasad counters etc.
Luckily for us, within half an hour we were in the main hall and that is where I was temporary stalled in my steps with the sight ahead. The main sanctum hall was unrecognizable - it looked more gold than paint!

This wasn't the case earlier. I'm sure, over the years with the devotees faith growing and contributions coming in, there must have been quite a collection of funds happening... but to utilise all that money to gold pillars and what not; is something I cannot relate to.
Anyways, I concentrated on the very nice darshan that we had and moved out to the temple complex.

We sat there for around fifteen minutes or so and within that span I could notice more than a few children begging.. and few wandering and trying to sell Baba's pics and other items to the devotees. Now these children I'm certain were no more than five years of age. Observing this was what got me thinking on the two extremes within the same premises. I wondered was so much gold really required to deck up the place? Wouldn't it have been better if the temple authorities did something about the underprivileged there?

Honestly, the temple WILL get visitors irrespective of the fact if the pillars are in gold/rubies or plain white plaster paint! Ofcourse, it needs to be maintained neat and clean. But apart from that, I really don't believe in the fancy glitz.

And while I do acknowledge the temple trust is making amenities more comfortable and people friendly.. so that there are more and more tourists visiting - I wonder why can't they re-direct the extra inflow they get to do something about the kids/beggars/lower rung  people there?
Probably they might be doing something.. but inspite; there are still children begging/working.. or plain running around there.

Why not set up a trust and hire people who can track these homeless/underprivileged kids and ensure they are provided education of some kind? Maybe some school which again, I'm sure the temple trust can afford?
Basically, what I'm so hoping is - why can't these richie rich places have productive chanelling of all that wealth that is offered there? I'm sure this would be enough cause too for more tourists to flock up.
It's a win-win situation.

But obviously - It's a thought shared not by many or rather not the ones in power there or for that matter at any big religious significant site.

At the end it all because a race for "this temple has most offerings offered and is rich, compared to the others". This thought process is what has become the doom of our country's largest income generating platforms - the famous temples! A place to show off glitz!

Again the same thought; is it really required or justified? I'm not sure. I've spoken to my understanding of sane people [  :p ] and majority had the same say - if we don't deck up and fame our places, who will?

Obviously, fame gains predence over Faith.  

When priorities are confused - how can there be an effective result?

Think on it.


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